Fugitive’s son gets kidney transplant

[A] federal judge released his father, Byron Perkins, from jail so he could complete medical tests before his son’s surgery.

At the time, Perkins was awaiting a possible life sentence following a conviction on drug, weapons and other charges.

Doctors said Perkins appeared to be a perfect match for his son.

On the final day of hospital tests, Perkins failed to show up. … [He] has been on the run ever since.

Good thing the kid didn’t need a heart transplant. Not much Dad could do in that department.

Burns says terrorists drive taxis by day

Republican Sen. Conrad Burns, whose recent comments have stirred controversy, says the United States is up against a faceless enemy of terrorists who “drive taxi cabs in the daytime and kill at night.”

I’m getting sick and tired of liberals excoriating an honest politician for doing nothing more than speaking an unpopular truth. Everyone knows that taxi drivers are statistically the most likely to murder after sunset. But God forbid someone actually mentions that fact in a public forum.

I mean, really, what’s next? Are we going to start criticizing our politicians every time they point out the well-known fact that blacks are better athletes because their were bred to pull plows, or that Jews control the world money supply from an underground bunker on Long Island?

Do we sound the alarm whenever a Republican makes passing reference to women’s well-documented intellectual inferiority? We all have mothers, wives, and sisters. We’ve all seen firsthand women’s diminished mental capacity. My wife can’t even lick a stamp without an instruction book and a 6-week correspondence course.

Jews eat babies. Black men render white women’s vaginas useless with their massive genitals. American Indians scalp white people with tomahawks and steal their booze. These are the facts. So why should we get bent out of shape when one of our elected representatives points it out in a nationally televised speech?

The campaign said Thursday that the senator was simply pointing out terrorists can be anywhere.

“The point is there are terrorists that live amongst us. Not only here, but in Britain and the entire world,” said spokesman Jason Klindt. “Whether they are taxi drivers or investment bankers, the fact remains that this is a new type of enemy.”

It’s really a question of clarity. If he had said we’re up against a faceless enemy of terrorists who “provide strategic advisory services for corporate mergers and acquisitions in the daytime and kill at night,” it just wouldn’t have had the same ring to it.

People would have been confused. They’d be thinking, “Wait a minute. Does this mean that Christian Witherspoon from the Churchill Club might be a terrorist?” Obviously, that’s not what the good Senator was trying to communicate.

Only one of these nocturnal killers drives a taxi. Can you guess which one?

By specifying that the faceless enemy drives taxi cabs, he is clearly distinguishing that he is talking about brown people. Usually with turbans and funny sounding names who smell like curry.

The taxi cab reference also helps us make the important distinction between terrorists and another dangerous breed of murderers who kill at night: vampires.

Vampires don’t drive taxis. Terrorists do. This important distinction allows us to focus our efforts on defeating the real terrorists instead of wasting time fighting an unwinnable war against an army of the undead.

Without Senator Burns’ insightful comment, we could find ourselves trying to drive a wooden stake through bin Laden’s heart, while 10,000 elite troops are sent to ferret Dracula out of a cave in Tora Bora.

Judge finds NSA program unconstitutional

A federal judge on Thursday struck down President Bush’s warrantless surveillance program, saying it violated the rights to free speech and privacy, as well as the separation of powers enshrined in the Constitution.

Here’s my problem with this ruling. I think — and I’m sure nobody will argue with this — that it’s worth giving up some personal freedom to protect this country from Islamofascist psychos with explosive Gatorade.

I don’t care if the government has a massive database that logs everytime I say “explosives” or “Logan Airport” or “vagina.” If that’s what they need in order to protect the country, so be it.

Where has all the trust gone in this country? This is the White House we’re talking about. It’s not some oligarchy of semi-fascist millionaires who abuse the public trust to further their own political and financial gains. It’s Uncle Dick and Cousin Georgie, just listenin’ in on your conversation at the church barbeque.

What do you care? Yer not sayin’ anythin’ illegal, are ya? ‘Course yer not! Yer just talkin’ ’bout your wife’s inability to orgasm and how yer daughter’s got the crabs again. So who cares if the neighbors have a listen?

I’ll tell you who cares: brown people. They’re just mad because they can’t have a conversation about fertilizer on a pre-paid cell phone with their uncle in Pakistan without the FBI rapelling through their skylights.

Well, too bad, Haji. You lost your right to seek international farming advice right about the time you forsake Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior and chose to worship a camel, or whatever you terrorists use for a god.

If you were truly patriotic Americans, you would only talk to Americans. White Americans. In America.

That’s what I do. When I want to talk to a relative, do I call Saudi Arabia? No. I call Poughkeepsie. Is that so hard?

And don’t give me that, “I don’t have any relatives in Poughkeepsie” bullshit. If you loved this country, you’d go to Poughkeepsie and find some. It’s nice this time of year. Take a drive. Make some friends. Drink some apple cider.

Just don’t take pictures of any bridges.

Moments like these make my testicles quiver with delight.

While perusing the site’s search stats tonight, I saw that someone arrived here by searching for “paris hilton’s anus.”

Imagine my delight when I saw that, not only does hategun come up in Google searches for “paris hilton’s anus,” but … IT IS THE ONLY SITE LISTED.

That means I am officially the world’s first and only source of information about the colorectal cavity of the world’s most vapid, talentless cunt.

My mother will be so proud.

Bush frees up flag displays

President Bush on Monday signed a bill that would bar condominium and homeowner associations from restricting how the American flag can be displayed.

It’s about fucking time. I am so sick of my condo’s Homeowner’s Association telling me how I can and can’t express my patriotism and love for this great country.

I say, if I want to paint my scrotum red, white, and blue, and dangle it over my second floor balcony railing, that’s my prerogative.

I shouldn’t be beholden to complaints from my downstairs neighbor that my balls are blocking the view out her picture window. Tough titties, you Islamocommufascist hippie. Nowhere in the Constitution do I see anything granting you the right to a testicle-free view of the park.

I, however, do have a God-given and Congress-approved right to spackle my danglies with Old Glory glitter paint and hoist them over the railing for the world to see. And now there’s nothing the Torino Villas HOA can do about it.

Wait’ll they see what I use for a flag pole.