Key Evangelical quits amid gay sex claim

The leader of the 30 million-member National Association of Evangelicals, a vocal opponent of same-sex marriage, resigned Thursday after being accused of paying for sex with a man in monthly trysts over the past three years.

Yeah, and …? I don’t see the connection. Gay marriage is about affirming the love between two consenting adults of the same sex who have chosen to spend their life together as a family unit. And, let me tell you mister, that is just sick. Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick. The Bible is pretty clear that such activity is an abomination, an affront to human decency.

If Reverend Haggard had married another man, people would be outraged, and rightly so. But that’s not what he did. No, Reverend Haggard is being excoriated for something we’ve all done at least once in our lives: paying for ass.

Sure, homosexuality is a sin. But just because a man of the cloth drops some coin on a little monthly analingus, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s gay. Maybe he just likes another man’s scrotum on his chin. Nothing wrong with that. Finer men have done worse.

Now, if he tried to marry the guy, if he tried to do something outrageous like try to get health coverage, then we’d have a problem. Then we’d be looking at something that is less like a harmless Rent-A-Felcher, and more like a threat to the very fabric of our society.

He also told KUSA-TV late Wednesday: “Never had a gay relationship with anybody, and I’m steady with my wife, I’m faithful to my wife.”

That is why I admire this man. He is a man of integrity. He speaks the truth. There is truth in specificity. “A gay relationship? Never. Wouldn’t dream of it.”

So he paid the same guy for gay sex every month for three years. Is that a “relationship”? Hardly. It’s no more of a relationship than you have with, say, your pizza delivery guy. You’ve been tipping the same kid for delivering your pizzas for three years now. Does that mean you’re “going steady?” Of course not. Now suppose that instead of delivering pizzas, he’s blowing you. I’m sure you see my point.

At the time, Haggard said that he believed marriage is a union between a man and woman rooted in centuries of tradition, and that research shows it’s the best family unit for children.

Right. And I don’t think anything about these allegations contradicts that. There’s no question that a traditional man-woman marriage is the best choice for raising a healthy family. But when you want an anonymous blowjob through a glory hole at a truck stop bathroom, you gotta go with The Gays.

Carolyn Haggard, spokeswoman for the New Life Church and the pastor’s niece, said a four-member church panel will investigate the allegations. … “This is really routine when any sort of situation like this arises, so we’re prepared,” Carolyn Haggard said.

I get a lot of comfort from knowing that the church has a “What To Do When Your Leader Gets Exposed As An Assmaster” plan already on the books.

Jesus, Moses, Esther dolls offer Bible verses, hugs

Huggable Jesus is just one of the “the dolls that love you back,” offered by a couple of biblical doll-makers in Boston[.]

I’m sure I’m not the only one for whom the words “the dolls that love you back” conjur images of a leering, Chucky-like Jesus crawling out of the toy chest, slipping under the bedsheets, and playing “part the Red Sea” with your inner labia.

Dolls don’t need to love you back. That’s what parents are for.

[The] plush dolls “pack fun and faith into one lovable, kid-sized package.”

Don’t be deceived. Despite all the fun and faith packed into its tiny body, Huggable Jesus still has plenty of room for intolerance and homophobia. (Tote bag full of hypocrisy sold separately).

Huggable Esther, resplendent in purple and wearing a crown, shares philosophy from the book of the Bible bearing her name: “God had a plan for my life just like he has one for yours.”

Unfortunately, his plan for your life involves hate crime, meth addiction and an unusual death involving a sex swing and something called the Fuckhammer^TM.

The website calls the dolls “a wholesome alternative to teddy bears and stuffed animals”.

Our society is at its lowest point in history, crumbling under the weight of its own sin into an abyss of rape, murder, and men in hot pants. Some people blame the disintegration of the family unit. Others blame the loss of respect for human dignity.

Bow to the Dark Lord, Prince Of Serpents.

I blame teddy bears.

Sure, they’re cute and cuddly. That’s what makes them so dangerous. Most people think Satan will come to Earth looking like a horned serpent, or Doctor Phil. But those of us who study biblical philosophy know that Satan’s most deadly manifestation looks suspiciously similar to Teddy Ruxpin.

I mean, come on — a talking teddy bear? What is this, The Future? Where are the jet packs and ice cream capsules? Think about it, people! It’s nothing short of nefarious!

Oh yeah, he starts off harmless enough. It’s, “Let’s read a bedtime story!” or “Can you can count to ten?” But give him a few weeks, and things start to change. Next thing you know, it’s “Shave the dog’s balls!” or “Pee in mommy’s soup!” or “Touch Billy Marsten’s naughty bits!”

Thank God for Huggable Jesus. At least now there’s someone on the toy shelf to intervene when Teddy tries to anally violate My Pretty Pony.

Again.