John Cusack trades in his trenchcoat and boombox for a tinfoil hat and words like “disastrous, free-market Utopian enterprise.”

Paris Hilton star guest at Vienna Ball

Hilton said there were “a lot of people who need help” in the world and that she planned to go to Africa sometime this year. “As a celebrity, you can really make people aware of what’s going on in the world,” she said.

Paris gets a bad rap as a vapid, soulless celebutard who drains the world of light and hope, so it’s nice to see her softer, gentler side (the one that isn’t flashed to the paparazzi whenever she climbs out of a limo.)

Refugees in Darfur eagerly await the latest airdrop from Operation: Shoes For The Starving.

Despite her reputation as the poster girl for narcissistic excess, Paris actually has a keen awareness of the plight of the poor in Africa.

For example, did you know that children in Africa have no access to designer shoes of any kind? It’s a tragedy, and someone has to do something about it.

That’s why, as soon as she finishes her $4,500 back rub, Paris is going to take a private jet back to L.A. to pack up all of her unused Manolo Blahnik stiletto heels and airlift them to the Abebech Gobena orphanage in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.

But charity isn’t just about giving starving kids your $14,000, jewel-encrusted shoes that you never wore because that stupid bitch Kimberly Stewart wore the same pair to Hyde last week. It’s also about using your celebrity to raise awareness.

Paris Hilton: Saving the world one pussy flash at a time.

Paris is famous for a lot of reasons. Her music. Her fashion sense. Her on-again-off-again relationships. But more than anything, Paris is known for one thing: her gaping vagina.

As much as she’d like to, Paris can’t donate her vagina to charity. But she can still use her pink taco for the forces of good.

From now on, every time a paparazzi aims his lens at Paris’ nether regions, he will see, not her shorn labia, but rather a life-altering message of hope (see photo).

Celebs Give Their Top Picks of 2006

As 2006 comes to an end, the stars gave PEOPLE their picks for the year’s best books, movies, music and TV shows:

Clay Aiken: The Queen — “Helen Mirren looks just like Queen Elizabeth. Acted like her! I thought it was very good.

I am totally fucking with you.

Okay, now Clay Aiken is just fucking with us. His top movie of the year is The Queen? Seriously? What else is on the list? Enema Of The State? Desperately Seeking Semen? A Fistful of Penis? Why not just slap on some ass-less leather chaps and a muscle shirt airbrushed with “I Crave Ass?”

What’s the point of being in the closet if it has a glass door?

Britney’s crotch shots take Web by storm

“She’s a beautiful girl and now that she’s single and she’s having fun, I think she’s just trying to express herself,” said New York-based celebrity image consultant Amanda Sanders.

Self-expression is extremely important to a girl in Britney’s situation. She’s been through a lot the last few years, between the marriage, the divorce, the other marriage, the other divorce, the baby, the other baby … I’m stressed just writing about it.

With all that pressure building up, she needs an outlet through which to vent her frustrations. Always the innovator, Britney is not content to just spill out her emotions in song or verse. She has already done that, to miraculous effect (see also: (I Got That) Boom Boom and the seminal masterwork, Tigers.

Instead, Britney decided to create an entirely new artform as a way to say, “Here I am, World. I’m not afraid of you. I’m going to show you my strength. My resolve. My inner labia.”

An artist of lesser stature would probably go about this expression in all the wrong ways: Taking out a full-page spread (so to speak) in the New York Times. Mailing a signed photo of her vagina to every member of her fan club. Leaking a DVD of that time she got a Dirty Sanchez from Screech and Tom Sizemore.

But this isn’t a full-frontal view into the gaping maw of Paris Hilton’s soul-devouring vagina, the depths from which no light or hope can escape. Indeed, the word “gaping” could never be used to describe the delicate flower of Britney’s ladythings, a work of art more accurately described using words like “pouting” and “feathery” and “vulvalicious.”

Britney’s genius is that she has found the inherent innocence and sweetness that are sometimes lost when a celebrity flashes her twat to the paparazzi. It’s as if she is saying, “My vagina is more than just the place that Kevin Federline stored his diamond-encrusted penis. It is also the conduit through which the innocence of a newborn child is brought into the world. Also, I shaved.”

Thank you, Britney, for making public pussy flashing good again.

(ed note: My apologies for not including a link to a signed vagina photo. Sadly my Google Images search for “autographed vagina” has proven to be disappointing. The Internets just aren’t what they used to be.)