Jesus, Moses, Esther dolls offer Bible verses, hugs

Huggable Jesus is just one of the “the dolls that love you back,” offered by a couple of biblical doll-makers in Boston[.]

I’m sure I’m not the only one for whom the words “the dolls that love you back” conjur images of a leering, Chucky-like Jesus crawling out of the toy chest, slipping under the bedsheets, and playing “part the Red Sea” with your inner labia.

Dolls don’t need to love you back. That’s what parents are for.

[The] plush dolls “pack fun and faith into one lovable, kid-sized package.”

Don’t be deceived. Despite all the fun and faith packed into its tiny body, Huggable Jesus still has plenty of room for intolerance and homophobia. (Tote bag full of hypocrisy sold separately).

Huggable Esther, resplendent in purple and wearing a crown, shares philosophy from the book of the Bible bearing her name: “God had a plan for my life just like he has one for yours.”

Unfortunately, his plan for your life involves hate crime, meth addiction and an unusual death involving a sex swing and something called the Fuckhammer^TM.

The website calls the dolls “a wholesome alternative to teddy bears and stuffed animals”.

Our society is at its lowest point in history, crumbling under the weight of its own sin into an abyss of rape, murder, and men in hot pants. Some people blame the disintegration of the family unit. Others blame the loss of respect for human dignity.

Bow to the Dark Lord, Prince Of Serpents.

I blame teddy bears.

Sure, they’re cute and cuddly. That’s what makes them so dangerous. Most people think Satan will come to Earth looking like a horned serpent, or Doctor Phil. But those of us who study biblical philosophy know that Satan’s most deadly manifestation looks suspiciously similar to Teddy Ruxpin.

I mean, come on — a talking teddy bear? What is this, The Future? Where are the jet packs and ice cream capsules? Think about it, people! It’s nothing short of nefarious!

Oh yeah, he starts off harmless enough. It’s, “Let’s read a bedtime story!” or “Can you can count to ten?” But give him a few weeks, and things start to change. Next thing you know, it’s “Shave the dog’s balls!” or “Pee in mommy’s soup!” or “Touch Billy Marsten’s naughty bits!”

Thank God for Huggable Jesus. At least now there’s someone on the toy shelf to intervene when Teddy tries to anally violate My Pretty Pony.

Again.